Hands Down

 

One of the things I wanted to do with this blog was not just make it about my medical journey but by mental state., My whole point of this is for those who do not know me, you can travel along.

Today I was tired. I don’t know if it is a mental thing or physical. Because I had a doctor’s appointment I woke up super early because the in home nurse was coming.

Okay so why is my nurse male?

He’s nice and all but it still shocks me.

This totally is messing with my routine. I am not used to people coming into my home, I didn’t ask for it, but now I am stuck.

My nurse is nice, he really is. But I have a sister and niece in healthcare who could do the same. Anyhow, he came, I got ready and went to the doctors.

It was a normal PCP visit.

Years ago, when my insurance was the bomb, I had a PCP.  After losing insurance I replied on video doctors. They ordered blood work, x-rays and medication.

After being released from the hospital they asked if I wanted my information sent to the PCP I had years ago.

Sure, why not.

I am glad I did.

Walking in there today was calm and a blessing. He was so chill and laid back I had forgotten why I went to him years ago in the first place.

We really didn’t talk about the cancer, he mentioned that was for my oncologist appointment next week. He talked about me keeping healthy.

I felt good after the appointment, but in the back of my mind I knew the oncologist thing was coming up. Am I nervous? Absolutely.

After the appointment today me and my daughter went and got sushi. It was a super nice lunch.

I got Saki. The sushi lunch came with soup, but I knew I wasn’t going to eat it all so I put some in a Saki shot glass and sipped.

Listen, this is a boring blog today. I know. I did try to write. I want to finish this current book so I can get to Beginnings where I know I will feel relaxed. Maybe it is timing. Maybe I am supposed to go to Beginnings when I mentally need it most.

All I know right now is this all sucks.

It sucks.

I am keeping it together as best as I can. I am pulling strength from friends, people that have been where I am and most of all, God.

There are people I have spoken to that have undoubtedly given my strength and have been delivering hard truths about what I have to face.

I know I am a strong woman.

Today though was a tough day. I don’t know why. Nothing unusual happened, I just didn’t feel as strong, Maybe the  shock is wearing off.

 

FEELING TODAY: Teetering.

MUSIC: Higher by Toby Lightman

GOAL: Write 1000 words tomorrow.

Open and Public

 

My grandson just turned seventeen, he’s my oldest. I was young when I learned I was going to be a grandmother, but he came at a time in my life when I needed hope. I always said he saved me. He lives with me and is a tremendous gift. He drives me nuts and argues with me, but he saved my life once and I have no doubt, holding on to him will save me again.

I was talking to him about my Negan picture battling the cancer cells and I mentioned making a picture of having the Avengers do the same. Create pictures to give me encouragement.  He just looked at me and was like, “Why?”.

He said, “Nana, your heroes are in Beginnings. They pulled you through your writing, why not have them be your heroes pulling you through this.”

He is right. I love and live Beginnings.

Frank is my hero. So I decided, even though it’s AI, to use my Beginnings characters to create images of them being there for me.

And with his words I am inspired. I want to finish this current book I am writing and get back to Beginnings. I love being there, writing it, it is my happy place and God knows I need it.

I know it sounds silly to some. A fictional world, my imagining them being there for me. But after 35 books, they are real to me.

I need them.

Today was my first day back at working at the church. I told the pastor not to make it public (My diagnosis) but she could let the prayer team know. I didn’t know how many people were on the prayer team until I got there this morning and so many people came up to me, hugged me. Surprisingly, I kept it together.

I felt their strength and love.

Ya know … and anyone that reads my writing knows this, I am a person of great faith.

God has this.

It was a tough day. Not that I had doubt, but emotionally, I hate that I am making people sad. I am that person that likes to make people laugh and smile. I’m not doing that lately.

I’m gonna change that. I have to change that. For me and for everyone else.

I’m not going anywhere. I just have a fight.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my PCP. One I haven’t seen in years. (Thanks US healthcare system).

It’s the first of many appointments coming my way.

I may do a video!

FEELING TODAY: I'm okay

MUSIC: Soon you'll Get Better by Taylor Swift

GOAL: Get my ass moving and finish this book

Getting Help

 

Here I am day two of the journaling. In ‘timeline’ perspective I haven’t caught up to today. June 4. I figure this post and one more will catch us up.

I promised myself that I would keep this journal one 100% honest. No downplaying or leaving anything out. Tell the truth and do what I do best, make it entertaining.

If you read my work, follow me, then you know of everything I write, I love Beginnings. I love it dearly.

Everyone always assumed I put myself and personality as Ellen. The truth is, I am Joe.

Oddly enough, I gave Joe cancer in Book 15. It’s important to note that I am on Book 35 and Joe is still alive. The big difference is Joe was really originally filled with a lot of doom and gloom and this is my end feeling.

I am not.

So backing up. I had this problem. It wasn’t like I was living this ‘I feel healthy’ life, and go to the doctor and was godsmacked by the diagnosis of cancer.

I was living the ‘I feel healthy’ life, but it wasn’t an invisible thing. It literally was becoming more visible by the day. This rash to sore started getting bad. I held off. My bad. Can’t change that now. But by the time I had insurance and was able to start looking for help it was bad. Other things started happening that confirmed what I knew.

The hardest part of this journey? Telling my kids. I not only had to tell them I was hiding this medical condition but tell them I was certain it was cancer. They just lost their dad. I felt selfish and guilty. Each of them handled it in their own way and I have the greatest kids. That was tough. Telling my closest friends and siblings was harder because I had to hear the hurt in their voices. I told them after I got out of the hospital.

Insurance is funny, I just can’t go to a breast specialist I had to go to a doctor. Unfortunately I didn’t have one and ended up with a newbie, who literally was floored when I walked in her office and she looked at the sore on my breast. It led me to believe it was horrendous. OMG the way she reacted, like trying to hide fear while watching a movie on a plane. She sent me immediately to the ER. It was bad but, as I was assured by the ER doc, not like I played it out to be. Excuse me, I just had a doctor freak out. How was I supposed to think.

I knew what it was. When they did scans and just before they told me, I told them.

They loved my attitude and it was not a fake. I had lived with the knowledge of what my body was telling me for months. So it wasn’t a shock.

This is reality.

I got this.

I really do. And when people offer prayers. Heck yeah, I love it because I believe in the power of prayer. I work for a church. I want the prayer line to heaven to be o congested with requests for me that Jesus throws up his hands and says, “Tell these people I’m on it. She works for a church, we already have her in.”

I started my fight. Even before the Chemo. I envision mini Negan’s in my blood, swinging his barbed wire bat and hitting the  cancer cells.

Tomorrow the story of my hospital stay. I promise it won’t be depressing. Oh my goodness, the woman in the room across the hall!

 

FEELING TODAY: Confident and Good

MUSIC: Living Hope by Phil Wickham

GOAL: Watch an episode of The Studio

My Journey Begun

So, here we are.
Funny how writing has been hard for me these past couple months and now, the first thing that flows is about this stupid health crisis.

So how did I get here. How in this modern age of medicine did I, an intelligent woman, let it get to this point?

Oh. Yeah if you’re reading this is not knowing what’s going on. I have cancer.

Did I see it coming? Yep.

So before I begin the journey of beating this, let’s start with the journey of my ignorance.

FYI this entire journal journey will include how I am feeling, what my song is and goals.

Back to my story.

When Ron (My kids dad) was sick and at the end, I found the tiniest little lumps. Lumps are easy for me to find because I don’t have breast fat. Well I did when I was heavy.

Anyhow, back story, I have had over the years 5 surgeries on my left breast and lymph nodes. All BENIGN tumors and cysts, so when this one popped up, I didn’t think anything about it.

It went away after a few months. Yay. What?

Ok, so it didn’t go away, somehow like a freaking parasite it burrowed itself into my breast tissue. A few months later again, a rash appeared. Now I bathe, wash, never really thought it was that bad until well … it got bad. Then I faced the fact I didn’t have health insurance.

Now everyone is saying that shouldn’t have mattered. But it did to me. I’m a writer, money and income is not guaranteed and my kids just lost their dad.

I would get help. I knew I needed to. Finally during enrollment for open healthcare I was able to get a plan and then it was activated in February, and wading through Easter, I sought how I could get help. Nearest appointment was six weeks out. In the meantime, my writing was replaced with thoughts about this journey. And finally, when my underarm started to swell, I knew and I called place after place getting in quicker/ But not fast enough. Damn it I have a battle, but I never shied away from a fight.

Other than hiding my condition I hid it from my kids. I told them before the appointment.

And the journey began ….. tomorrow, the first step in getting help.

 

FEELING TODAY: Confident

MUSIC: Warriors by Imagine Dragons

GOAL: Finish the chapter in my latest book.