Getting Help

 

Here I am day two of the journaling. In ‘timeline’ perspective I haven’t caught up to today. June 4. I figure this post and one more will catch us up.

I promised myself that I would keep this journal one 100% honest. No downplaying or leaving anything out. Tell the truth and do what I do best, make it entertaining.

If you read my work, follow me, then you know of everything I write, I love Beginnings. I love it dearly.

Everyone always assumed I put myself and personality as Ellen. The truth is, I am Joe.

Oddly enough, I gave Joe cancer in Book 15. It’s important to note that I am on Book 35 and Joe is still alive. The big difference is Joe was really originally filled with a lot of doom and gloom and this is my end feeling.

I am not.

So backing up. I had this problem. It wasn’t like I was living this ‘I feel healthy’ life, and go to the doctor and was godsmacked by the diagnosis of cancer.

I was living the ‘I feel healthy’ life, but it wasn’t an invisible thing. It literally was becoming more visible by the day. This rash to sore started getting bad. I held off. My bad. Can’t change that now. But by the time I had insurance and was able to start looking for help it was bad. Other things started happening that confirmed what I knew.

The hardest part of this journey? Telling my kids. I not only had to tell them I was hiding this medical condition but tell them I was certain it was cancer. They just lost their dad. I felt selfish and guilty. Each of them handled it in their own way and I have the greatest kids. That was tough. Telling my closest friends and siblings was harder because I had to hear the hurt in their voices. I told them after I got out of the hospital.

Insurance is funny, I just can’t go to a breast specialist I had to go to a doctor. Unfortunately I didn’t have one and ended up with a newbie, who literally was floored when I walked in her office and she looked at the sore on my breast. It led me to believe it was horrendous. OMG the way she reacted, like trying to hide fear while watching a movie on a plane. She sent me immediately to the ER. It was bad but, as I was assured by the ER doc, not like I played it out to be. Excuse me, I just had a doctor freak out. How was I supposed to think.

I knew what it was. When they did scans and just before they told me, I told them.

They loved my attitude and it was not a fake. I had lived with the knowledge of what my body was telling me for months. So it wasn’t a shock.

This is reality.

I got this.

I really do. And when people offer prayers. Heck yeah, I love it because I believe in the power of prayer. I work for a church. I want the prayer line to heaven to be o congested with requests for me that Jesus throws up his hands and says, “Tell these people I’m on it. She works for a church, we already have her in.”

I started my fight. Even before the Chemo. I envision mini Negan’s in my blood, swinging his barbed wire bat and hitting the  cancer cells.

Tomorrow the story of my hospital stay. I promise it won’t be depressing. Oh my goodness, the woman in the room across the hall!

 

FEELING TODAY: Confident and Good

MUSIC: Living Hope by Phil Wickham

GOAL: Watch an episode of The Studio

My Journey Begun

So, here we are.
Funny how writing has been hard for me these past couple months and now, the first thing that flows is about this stupid health crisis.

So how did I get here. How in this modern age of medicine did I, an intelligent woman, let it get to this point?

Oh. Yeah if you’re reading this is not knowing what’s going on. I have cancer.

Did I see it coming? Yep.

So before I begin the journey of beating this, let’s start with the journey of my ignorance.

FYI this entire journal journey will include how I am feeling, what my song is and goals.

Back to my story.

When Ron (My kids dad) was sick and at the end, I found the tiniest little lumps. Lumps are easy for me to find because I don’t have breast fat. Well I did when I was heavy.

Anyhow, back story, I have had over the years 5 surgeries on my left breast and lymph nodes. All BENIGN tumors and cysts, so when this one popped up, I didn’t think anything about it.

It went away after a few months. Yay. What?

Ok, so it didn’t go away, somehow like a freaking parasite it burrowed itself into my breast tissue. A few months later again, a rash appeared. Now I bathe, wash, never really thought it was that bad until well … it got bad. Then I faced the fact I didn’t have health insurance.

Now everyone is saying that shouldn’t have mattered. But it did to me. I’m a writer, money and income is not guaranteed and my kids just lost their dad.

I would get help. I knew I needed to. Finally during enrollment for open healthcare I was able to get a plan and then it was activated in February, and wading through Easter, I sought how I could get help. Nearest appointment was six weeks out. In the meantime, my writing was replaced with thoughts about this journey. And finally, when my underarm started to swell, I knew and I called place after place getting in quicker/ But not fast enough. Damn it I have a battle, but I never shied away from a fight.

Other than hiding my condition I hid it from my kids. I told them before the appointment.

And the journey began ….. tomorrow, the first step in getting help.

 

FEELING TODAY: Confident

MUSIC: Warriors by Imagine Dragons

GOAL: Finish the chapter in my latest book.