Updating finally, right?

 

Long time no blog, right?

It’s been busy and well, of course, I was getting over the bronchitis. Feeling so much better. I wish I had more strength, I just wear out so easily.

A friend and reader Bobbi, told me not to overdo it.

Guess what?

I did. It’s okay. I need to start feeling normal again. I work at the church and writing like a mad woman felt good and this weekend I did the 48 hour film fest. I was back to doing what I love. Filmmaking and creating.

Make a movie in 48 hours starting Friday night with  writing it and then filming on Saturday.

Did I look awesome. Heck no. I rocked the bald and baseball cap and baggy comfy clothes. I actually looked like my grandfather.

That’s not an exaggeration. My friend Matt, took pictures and asked if he could post them. I told sure. I thought he was so sweet, but you know what. As unattractive as I am right now, this is what cancer looks like you're you aren't letting it win.

I had a ton of help tho so I wasn’t carrying it alone, but still it was a lot but I am proud that I did it. Man, my filmmaker buddies are the best.

My daughter said the good thing was all of us on the team are older so we’ll want to get done to take a nap.

 I had the energy mentally but physically, I guess being a chemo lazy lump for months didn’t help. My legs were sore yesterday and I still had church work to do as well.

The shoot was fun and it went so well.

I went to work today and  now as I write this,  I am so tired. I had a late lunch and devoured a cheeseburger. Not sure I can eat right now. I just feel blah. I know most of that is from doing too much.

So I am going to take tonight, rest and relax, tomorrow I will get back on the writing horse plus I took on a freelance editing project to make some extra money.

Then, well, we all know what Tuesday is.

We start again.

Until Next blog!

If it's not one thing

 

As you can tell no glam day. Violet went to a friend’s after school especially since finding out my Ramen Now machine didn’t show up.

Jokes on her, it showed up this weekend. But I did try it and make it. The teens are gonna love it, me, I think it takes as long as making it on the stove.

I’ll let her have a go at it after school.

Special shout out to Pam for the super fun socks she gave me. I am so excited to wear them to treatment.

Speaking of which ….

Friday late afternoon I get a call from my doctor, that CT scan I had three weeks earlier to check for Pneumonitis the results came back. Pneumonitis is a worrisome thing that can happen with this treatment.

Since we didn’t hear anything, we assumed everything was good. The scan showed very early signs of it. Now they haven’t given me anything for it except instructions to call if I get a worsening cough, shortness of breath, and or fever. Until then they’re gonna let the pulmonary doctor decide whether we pause treatment until it clears up, lower the dose or keep going. I see her in a week.

I don’t want to pause this treatment. As sick as it makes me, I know it is working.

I have to put my faith in God that He will guide me to what’s best.

But I do have to let my care team know I developed a cold. I felt out of sorts today and when I got home and rested after church, took a nap, I woke up feeling like a sinus infection has set in.

Great. What’s normal for everyone else, I have to call a doctor about.

I will not be a happy camper if this lands me in the hospital. From what I see on the support group I am in, they are quick to throw you in a hospital bed.

So if you think about it, can you toss prayer my way?

On a brighter note, this is day 6. Usually my appetite is gone and I am feeling nauseous. Today I am keeping it at bay and even eating.

Feed a cold, starve a fever. I don’t have a fever.

I’d rather eat with a cold, then feel pathetic with nausea.

I’ll keep you updated.

Glam Tram and Impulses

 

I tried. I tried to be a ray of sunshine yesterday at treatment. My cool Wonder Woman socks, complete with cape made everyone smile. I am now in a crazy sock contest with the one aide, so I have to step up my game and really get crazy. If you see any, send me a link.

I should have known it was gonna be a long day. The waiting room was packed and they didn’t call me back for my 9 am bloodwork until 930, then I sat and waited another twenty minutes for the draw. My clinical exam was on time, but I didn’t go back to be hooked up until 11 and then treatment didn’t start until noon.

Why? There’s no chemo on Labor Day so they were double booked. It was crazy, but my mood stayed good until they told me my magnesium was low and they had to add an hour to my time to get a bag of magnesium. I didn’t want the treatment and it took my Physician’s assistant and navigator nurse to tag team me on why I did need it. Okay, okay, I got it. Suffice to say, I didn’t get home until almost five pm.

My nap was a good one. I didn’t get one there. My son was with me and I was enjoying his company, plus I was talking to so many people.

I was okay until that mag bag and then I just wanted to go home. I have to get this magnesium up. My doctor said no supplements so I have to do it all with food. Putting on a big pot of collards tomorrow.

Anyhow, I get my scans in a month and we’ll be able to see internally how the treatment is going. Externally the palpable lumps have shrunk and I had a routine CT scan to check for inflammation from the treatment. It looked good, showed the lymph nodes in my sternum had gone down and the effects of smoking are reversing.

Tomorrow my granddaughter is gonna glam me up, so be ready. She asked if she could, She’s 16 and said total transformation, so who knows what that means. There will be pictures.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. That Glam up request came after I asked her if she’d make a product video for me. If you were wondering why that picture is there, I had an impulse buy after seeing it on facebook. I shouldn’t have. Money is so tight, but I treated myself with easy payments. It arrives tomorrow, the Ramen Now. And when I uploaded a video review to their site, they send a link to get a case of ramen from around the world free.

I asked Violet to do the video and in exchange I get a glam. Whatever that means.

Peachy Keen

 

Wow, I have been bad with blogging! Last I blogged I was angry. I got over that. My son in law isn’t speaking to me lol. That doesn’t bother me.

So tomorrow is treatment four and two months since my first treatment.

As all of you know, my hair started thinning, I cut it short and then it kinda splotchily disappeared and I buzzed it. I buzzed it with hope that it was it. Well with the exception of the weird sideburns I have happening, I have like only ten percent of my buzzed hair remaining so I’m pretty bald.

Today … I showed my daughter and she confirmed, I have peach fuzz. Gosh, I hope it stays just on my head, I read horror stories of women getting it on their face too.

It’s white, but I googled and most peach fuzz starts out white or colorless. Unlike traditional chemo, this treatment is gene targeted so after your body adjusts, ‘supposedly’ the hair will grow back even if you are still in treatment.

Of course, these same experts said ‘supposedly’ I wouldn’t go bald, but here I am. While I still have most of my eyebrows and I no longer have to shave my legs, my right arm pit refuses to stop growing hair.

I am excited and nervous to see what tomorrow brings. I am praying my tumor markers went down. And I am confident I didn’t lose the weight I had the previous three treatments.

I keep a dairy of symptoms and color code the days.

Green is a good day.

Yellow means I had issues but rolled with it.

Red means the couch was calling me and I had very little energy.

Last treatment I had 11 red days, this time I had only four. But I did have more yellow days. I blame those on the sudden onset of acid reflux that I hope I have under control. Plus this last cycle I took my meds before I needed them.

This next cycle, so far, I am having nothing added to treatment so I will get to feel how it really effects me.

Tomorrow my son, Drew takes me to chemo, this will be interesting. Every kid of mine brings a different vibe. This is his first time taking me to treatment.

I have my wonder woman socks ready to wear (Thanks Katie) and I plan to be upbeat, positive and a tiny ray of sunshine for those working tomorrow.

I will keep everyone posted.

Infuriated is an Understatement

 

If you saw my FB post today I am livid.

Let me give you the background story. The background is not the source of my anger. FYI

 A year ago my son in law brings home a dog. He swore he got it from a coworker, who got it from a pound. She wasn’t cute or good and the pound thing was a lie. How do I know? Because the dog got pregnant. My daughter didn’t want the dog, never did, and told him to get rid of it. It’s been a fight. The dog is a terror. Won’t train and chews everything.

Get rid of it.

He swore and swore he had a home for it and was working on it. Now the dog is impregnated again. My daughter is furious and told him the dog goes or she does. My daughter’s best friend who happens to be married to my son in laws brother, got wind of it, and messaged him gently, telling him with all my daughter has going on, get rid of the dog.

She was nice about the way she said it. I saw the text. Well, he wasn’t having her tell him and came at the best friend hard. Like he was personally offended.

Now, the source of my infuriation. This is a screenshot of a text her sent her.

 

There’s a lot that pissed me off. They are run ragged? He’s run ragged? I see him once every other week and that’s when I drive him to the store because he doesn’t have a license. I’m not too sick to ask for that, am I? No one cooks for me, waits on me hand and foot. Brings me a water when I’m too sick to move from the couch. I’m alone. I take care of myself.

My daughter, not him, helps me with errands during the day. But I still drive there. And to use me as his excuse. To argue with her and his defense is my cancer card? How dare he? How dare he not only say I’m dying but call me the ‘F****g mother.’ This text is like his pity party Facebook posts. Disgusting. I told my daughter all of this. Maybe I’m over reacting. But damn it, I needed to vent.

Again, to repeat my Facebook post, no one dealing with cancer is dying. We’re trying hard to beat it. To say I am dying ….and to do so as a point of argument to make his sister in law feel bad. What a piece of work.

Rough Week

 

I know. I know. I make it look easy. Actually I don’t. Sometimes I feel like a big baby. Constantly complaining, making my way to the couch because some days, sitting on my reclining couch is the only thing that makes me feel better.

Week two sucks. Even though my daughter insists I can’t really come up with an average until I had four treatments, I can pretty much say with assurance, week two sucks.

Week one is when I get treatment. Usually I am good, a bit hyped from steroids. But once they wear off, the danger zone begins.

This cycle I took preemptive anti nausea, It really helped to keep it away, it didn’t help increase my appetite though.

 I thought I was doing better, then day eight, start of week two, despite meds, my energy drained and along came the queasiness,

Now I’m not sick 24/7. It comes in waves and usually lasts hours. The previous two cycles I got hit in the evening. Now it’s hitting me in the afternoon, by four pm, I am struggling.

I know my lack of food is a big part of the problem. It’s easier to say, ‘try to eat’ than it is to eat. I am living off ritz crackers, applesauce, pudding and broth, while getting calories from sucking on mints and ginger chews.

Yesterday was a good day, I mean I felt really good and ate. But today ….

I keep telling myself I am coming out of the second week It will get better.

But I wanted to explain why there hasn’t been a blog this week. I decided that when my body was feeling like it was against a wall, I was going to listen to it and relax.

It’s not just the chemo fighting the disease my body is hard at work and I need to remember that.

I am trying to stay positive and for the most part I think I am. I mean, I still get up and go out for Starbucks and errands, I haven’t changed my daily routine. Sometimes that routine just wears me out.

I hate complaining. I also have to accept my life has totally changed and it’s a roller coaster now.

Wigging Out

 It started with a Google search. Actually, it started with a text from a friend telling me about the wig salon. Then I googled because I swore they were appointment only.

I reached out to ask what the price range was because I didn’t want to waste their time. They were affordable, within range enough where I would have to break out a credit card, but then the owner sent me to Hair Peace Charities and with only a few questions, they sent the shop money for a wig. All I had to do was pick one out.

My daughter and I went there. They had a lot of wigs, I tried a bunch on, but the one I got just screamed at me.

“Hey, this is the same wig that the woman at chemo has!”

Same wig, different color. I admire that wig every time I see her, the woman was always made up and looking fabulous.

I always told my other daughter I couldn’t afford that wig. I knew it was a wig not because it looked wiggy but because, hey we’re in chemo. Just a guess.

There it was. On my head.

It looked so natural on the forehead but it was too long for me. My daughter whipped out a picture of me with longer bobbed hair and the shop owner fixed it.

If you didn’t see it on my Facebook post, here it is.

My son called to tell me he thought I posted a picture from 2003.

Now in the picture it looks really good. In person I think it has a hint of wiggy, but enough for people to know. To care?

I don’t plan on wearing it all the time. Only if I go out somewhere or an event. I want it to last. But it really isn’t a matter of just putting it on. It needs adjusted and played with.

First I have to get used to it. I read a bunch of tips that I need to start at home, learn how to make it look good then gradually go out.

I won’t wear it to chemo, no need there.

It really is a vanity thing, one I never thought would happen to me.

I know I am gonna feel like people are staring, just like I feel like they stare now when I go out with one of my caps. It took me a while to get used to wearing caps, so I’ll get used to this.

The owner of the shop even gave me a headband to wear under my ball cap wig so it doesn’t itch for the days I want to just throw and go.

I think the wig looks good, enough where I look like my old self and not the poster child for sickness.

But even with my baldness, patches of buzzed fuzz hair poking up here and there, all of this is part of my combat uniform and I am in a battle.