Hands Down

 

One of the things I wanted to do with this blog was not just make it about my medical journey but by mental state., My whole point of this is for those who do not know me, you can travel along.

Today I was tired. I don’t know if it is a mental thing or physical. Because I had a doctor’s appointment I woke up super early because the in home nurse was coming.

Okay so why is my nurse male?

He’s nice and all but it still shocks me.

This totally is messing with my routine. I am not used to people coming into my home, I didn’t ask for it, but now I am stuck.

My nurse is nice, he really is. But I have a sister and niece in healthcare who could do the same. Anyhow, he came, I got ready and went to the doctors.

It was a normal PCP visit.

Years ago, when my insurance was the bomb, I had a PCP.  After losing insurance I replied on video doctors. They ordered blood work, x-rays and medication.

After being released from the hospital they asked if I wanted my information sent to the PCP I had years ago.

Sure, why not.

I am glad I did.

Walking in there today was calm and a blessing. He was so chill and laid back I had forgotten why I went to him years ago in the first place.

We really didn’t talk about the cancer, he mentioned that was for my oncologist appointment next week. He talked about me keeping healthy.

I felt good after the appointment, but in the back of my mind I knew the oncologist thing was coming up. Am I nervous? Absolutely.

After the appointment today me and my daughter went and got sushi. It was a super nice lunch.

I got Saki. The sushi lunch came with soup, but I knew I wasn’t going to eat it all so I put some in a Saki shot glass and sipped.

Listen, this is a boring blog today. I know. I did try to write. I want to finish this current book so I can get to Beginnings where I know I will feel relaxed. Maybe it is timing. Maybe I am supposed to go to Beginnings when I mentally need it most.

All I know right now is this all sucks.

It sucks.

I am keeping it together as best as I can. I am pulling strength from friends, people that have been where I am and most of all, God.

There are people I have spoken to that have undoubtedly given my strength and have been delivering hard truths about what I have to face.

I know I am a strong woman.

Today though was a tough day. I don’t know why. Nothing unusual happened, I just didn’t feel as strong, Maybe the  shock is wearing off.

 

FEELING TODAY: Teetering.

MUSIC: Higher by Toby Lightman

GOAL: Write 1000 words tomorrow.

Open and Public

 

My grandson just turned seventeen, he’s my oldest. I was young when I learned I was going to be a grandmother, but he came at a time in my life when I needed hope. I always said he saved me. He lives with me and is a tremendous gift. He drives me nuts and argues with me, but he saved my life once and I have no doubt, holding on to him will save me again.

I was talking to him about my Negan picture battling the cancer cells and I mentioned making a picture of having the Avengers do the same. Create pictures to give me encouragement.  He just looked at me and was like, “Why?”.

He said, “Nana, your heroes are in Beginnings. They pulled you through your writing, why not have them be your heroes pulling you through this.”

He is right. I love and live Beginnings.

Frank is my hero. So I decided, even though it’s AI, to use my Beginnings characters to create images of them being there for me.

And with his words I am inspired. I want to finish this current book I am writing and get back to Beginnings. I love being there, writing it, it is my happy place and God knows I need it.

I know it sounds silly to some. A fictional world, my imagining them being there for me. But after 35 books, they are real to me.

I need them.

Today was my first day back at working at the church. I told the pastor not to make it public (My diagnosis) but she could let the prayer team know. I didn’t know how many people were on the prayer team until I got there this morning and so many people came up to me, hugged me. Surprisingly, I kept it together.

I felt their strength and love.

Ya know … and anyone that reads my writing knows this, I am a person of great faith.

God has this.

It was a tough day. Not that I had doubt, but emotionally, I hate that I am making people sad. I am that person that likes to make people laugh and smile. I’m not doing that lately.

I’m gonna change that. I have to change that. For me and for everyone else.

I’m not going anywhere. I just have a fight.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my PCP. One I haven’t seen in years. (Thanks US healthcare system).

It’s the first of many appointments coming my way.

I may do a video!

FEELING TODAY: I'm okay

MUSIC: Soon you'll Get Better by Taylor Swift

GOAL: Get my ass moving and finish this book

Mathy and the Hospital Stay

 Yeah, I kinda knew what was happening, I’d be stupid not to. Before I lighten things up, let’s get the heavy stuff over and done with.

Telling my kids was hard, but I raised some tough kids. I told them before I went to the doctor and told them every step and hour, I was there. My daughters were with me. My sons wanted to be, but I wanted it to be a girl thing.  What was harder? Making phone calls after I got out of the hospital. Calling one of my best friends of over 50 years, hearing her silence. Calling my friend who just kicked cancer’s ass and hearing him. My friend John I just felt how broken he was feeling. My baby brother, my siblings. That was hard because I knew what I was telling them would hurt and I hate hurting people.

Okay, heavy stuff done.

So, okay, women’s hospital. Someone needs to tell me why all the women that work at the Women’s hospital are so nice  and the men seem so … I don’t know distant. Their bedside manner, while good was not as warm and fuzzy as the women I encountered.

At the ER they put me through a battery of testing and scans. Oh by the way I was in Hypertension crisis, but that stopped almost immediately. That was nervousness.

I had prepared, I knew I was getting admitted and I packed a bag. My girls went to the car to get it while I was waiting to be brought to the room and then they went up. I got a text from my daughter.

‘Oh Mommy, they gave you a suite!’

Seriously? I have piss poor insurance, how did I get a suite. Maybe someone was a fan … nah.

Room was huge when I got there (See pic).

It wasn’t a suite. It was a bariatric room. A room designed for very large people. I weighed in at 121 at the hospital.

I felt like Goldie Locks. The bed was huge and the chairs wide. The toilet? We won’t talk about how big that was. I nearly fell through. What the hell. Maybe I didn’t weight 121.

Again, Goldie Locks. The bed wasn’t an option. It was too big and squishy so I opted for the chair and I put pillows in it.

Whenever the doctor came in, he was like, “Where’s the patient?” I had to raise my hand for him to see me in the chair.

We had great conversations. We talked about me being a writer. He, like many people had this look of ‘everyone’s a writer’ sort of thing.

I had a heart monitor, oxy pulse, BP cuff, I couldn’t move and finally I was like, “Look, Dude, can you take this off, I’m fine.”

He was cute. Could have been my son so I will refrain from calling him hot.

He looked at the readings and said, “Yeah, I’m confident you’re not gonna go into heart failure in the middle of the night. Let’s take all that off.”

Freedom.

They were never able to find me after that.

My tablet wouldn’t connect, I was stuck either watching TV or wandering, so I wandered.

I met the woman across the hall in the other bariatric room. I’ll call her Mathy but that’s not her name, it sounds like it.

She barely fit in that bed and I felt sorry for her. I asked her if there was anything she needed. She said she saw my daughters bringing me pizza and asked if I had any left. Of course, so I gave it to her.

Later that night the nurse said, “Please don’t feed Mathy’.

I asked if that was the same as ‘Please don’t feed the bears.’

She replied, “Yes, she is not very nice.’

We’re not giving her treats because she’s not nice or health reasons?

It wasn’t health reasons. My attitude was like if maybe we’re nice to her she’ll be nice to others. I don’t know why she was in that room, I never asked, but it was the breast cancer floor.

I met others while there, and I realized no one had my attitude. I wanted to help, to maybe let my attitude be contagious. Smile at them. But attitudes aren’t contagious, they can only come from within.

My oncologist searched fifteen minutes for me only to find that I was at the duck pond. I apologized and she said, “Don’t. It makes me happy that I had to look for you.”

That is where I am at.

After my biopsies, attractive doc was in my room. He said, “I’d like to keep you another day or two and do another scan.”

I asked, “Is that going to help me?”

“No, it helps me.”

“Sorry I don’t care about that. I care about my mental well being. I’ll do outpatient.”

And then he said, “Fine, I’ll send you home.”

But before he released me he told me that he and a collogue were looking at my webpage and were thoroughly impressed and talking about which books of mine they wanted to read.

Wanna know why that’s cool? If they read my work, they’ll know me better. A part of me feels if thery know me, they'll work harder.

Until tomorrow …

 

FEELING TODAY: Strong and Witty, needing Frank.

MUSIC: God can use a Broken Man by Jason Crabb

GOAL: Clean out my freezer for the meal prep my sister and brother did. (DONE)

Getting Help

 

Here I am day two of the journaling. In ‘timeline’ perspective I haven’t caught up to today. June 4. I figure this post and one more will catch us up.

I promised myself that I would keep this journal one 100% honest. No downplaying or leaving anything out. Tell the truth and do what I do best, make it entertaining.

If you read my work, follow me, then you know of everything I write, I love Beginnings. I love it dearly.

Everyone always assumed I put myself and personality as Ellen. The truth is, I am Joe.

Oddly enough, I gave Joe cancer in Book 15. It’s important to note that I am on Book 35 and Joe is still alive. The big difference is Joe was really originally filled with a lot of doom and gloom and this is my end feeling.

I am not.

So backing up. I had this problem. It wasn’t like I was living this ‘I feel healthy’ life, and go to the doctor and was godsmacked by the diagnosis of cancer.

I was living the ‘I feel healthy’ life, but it wasn’t an invisible thing. It literally was becoming more visible by the day. This rash to sore started getting bad. I held off. My bad. Can’t change that now. But by the time I had insurance and was able to start looking for help it was bad. Other things started happening that confirmed what I knew.

The hardest part of this journey? Telling my kids. I not only had to tell them I was hiding this medical condition but tell them I was certain it was cancer. They just lost their dad. I felt selfish and guilty. Each of them handled it in their own way and I have the greatest kids. That was tough. Telling my closest friends and siblings was harder because I had to hear the hurt in their voices. I told them after I got out of the hospital.

Insurance is funny, I just can’t go to a breast specialist I had to go to a doctor. Unfortunately I didn’t have one and ended up with a newbie, who literally was floored when I walked in her office and she looked at the sore on my breast. It led me to believe it was horrendous. OMG the way she reacted, like trying to hide fear while watching a movie on a plane. She sent me immediately to the ER. It was bad but, as I was assured by the ER doc, not like I played it out to be. Excuse me, I just had a doctor freak out. How was I supposed to think.

I knew what it was. When they did scans and just before they told me, I told them.

They loved my attitude and it was not a fake. I had lived with the knowledge of what my body was telling me for months. So it wasn’t a shock.

This is reality.

I got this.

I really do. And when people offer prayers. Heck yeah, I love it because I believe in the power of prayer. I work for a church. I want the prayer line to heaven to be o congested with requests for me that Jesus throws up his hands and says, “Tell these people I’m on it. She works for a church, we already have her in.”

I started my fight. Even before the Chemo. I envision mini Negan’s in my blood, swinging his barbed wire bat and hitting the  cancer cells.

Tomorrow the story of my hospital stay. I promise it won’t be depressing. Oh my goodness, the woman in the room across the hall!

 

FEELING TODAY: Confident and Good

MUSIC: Living Hope by Phil Wickham

GOAL: Watch an episode of The Studio

My Journey Begun

So, here we are.
Funny how writing has been hard for me these past couple months and now, the first thing that flows is about this stupid health crisis.

So how did I get here. How in this modern age of medicine did I, an intelligent woman, let it get to this point?

Oh. Yeah if you’re reading this is not knowing what’s going on. I have cancer.

Did I see it coming? Yep.

So before I begin the journey of beating this, let’s start with the journey of my ignorance.

FYI this entire journal journey will include how I am feeling, what my song is and goals.

Back to my story.

When Ron (My kids dad) was sick and at the end, I found the tiniest little lumps. Lumps are easy for me to find because I don’t have breast fat. Well I did when I was heavy.

Anyhow, back story, I have had over the years 5 surgeries on my left breast and lymph nodes. All BENIGN tumors and cysts, so when this one popped up, I didn’t think anything about it.

It went away after a few months. Yay. What?

Ok, so it didn’t go away, somehow like a freaking parasite it burrowed itself into my breast tissue. A few months later again, a rash appeared. Now I bathe, wash, never really thought it was that bad until well … it got bad. Then I faced the fact I didn’t have health insurance.

Now everyone is saying that shouldn’t have mattered. But it did to me. I’m a writer, money and income is not guaranteed and my kids just lost their dad.

I would get help. I knew I needed to. Finally during enrollment for open healthcare I was able to get a plan and then it was activated in February, and wading through Easter, I sought how I could get help. Nearest appointment was six weeks out. In the meantime, my writing was replaced with thoughts about this journey. And finally, when my underarm started to swell, I knew and I called place after place getting in quicker/ But not fast enough. Damn it I have a battle, but I never shied away from a fight.

Other than hiding my condition I hid it from my kids. I told them before the appointment.

And the journey began ….. tomorrow, the first step in getting help.

 

FEELING TODAY: Confident

MUSIC: Warriors by Imagine Dragons

GOAL: Finish the chapter in my latest book. 

What I learned in Fifteen Years of Publishing on Kindle

 I belong to a group on FB for authors supporting authors. Every day I read posts. I see the hope of new writers and the struggles. I don’t comment because some posts get so many comments. I buy books from them quietly.

That group inspired me to share my story for anyone who wants to know about my publishing journey. And give some tips.

In the month of December, I celebrate fifteen years of being published on Kindle. My first kindle was published December 21, 2015. I remember the first royalty check of $33.00. I bought a pizza for my family.

When I started there were only 750,000 Kindle Books. Back then most of us did our own covers and you could pick out a self-published author by the cover and price. Some of mine were downright awful. Take a look at the first. I’m surprised I wasn’t run out of town.

There was a love and hate for self-published authors then. A lot of readers rallied around us because they were getting good stories at an affordable rate. They remained faithful.

I remain faithful to them.

Back then it was cutthroat. One bad review would tank your book. Competing authors knew this and would put torpedo reviews to hurt your sales.

I watched it grow to the six million books out there today. It’s harder now, but I am dedicated to my readers and grateful more than they know. I love them and know many of them personally now.

I still love getting an email telling me how much someone loved my book, and there are days I get some not so nice ones. I appreciate their honesty.

I went from a single mother standing in line at a foodbank to supporting my family with my passion for writing. You will never hear me tear down Amazon, because Amazon gave my unpublished work a platform.

Before KDP, I tried traditional publishers and was rejected because of the books I wrote. I have a bin with 1,172 rejection letters for my books, poems and screenplays. I was relentless, but I was getting nowhere. Fifteen years ago, on the advice of a friend to take a gamble with ebooks, my life changed.

It took a couple years to gain traction, but I did.

Granted, there are ups and downs. Good years and bad ones. Like when Covid hit, no one wanted to read end of the world books because they were living it. Many of my peers shifted gears. I didn’t. I plugged away.

Many new authors have written to me asking for advice, I freely give it and am always happy to help.

I am not an A list writer, or even B. Maybe C, but if I were to offer tips to new writers here’s what they’d be. 

• Advertise. You have to spend money to make money. Even if it’s a $15 Awesome Gang Book ad. They work.  Here is a report (Poor Man's Guide to Advertising) I did five years ago on many different affordable advertising. Tried and tested but some may no longer be valid.
• A good cover is important, one that stands out on a thumbnail. Canva is a great tool if you can’t afford an artist and don’t know photoshop. It doesn’t need to be elaborate.
• Have a sale and do giveaways on your website. Again, this is advertising,
• Connect with your readers, get to know them. If you are struggling to find readers join a FB book group that is similar to what you write. Get to know the people there. But don’t self promote in these groups. Allow them to find your work organically by knowing you.
• A great story and one well written will keep your readers turning to you for what is next. Of course, not all books will be great, even if we loved writing them.
• Don’t be afraid to give a book or two away. Word of mouth can not be beat. I relied heavily on grassroots in the beginning. Also, readers know when you’re genuine and you’re not. I give a lot of books away because sometimes readers can’t afford to buy a book.
• If you aren’t part of Kindle Select and KU, you’re missing out.
• Kindle Create is FREE and Formats your book.
• And finally, don’t give up. Keep writing!

If I were to define writer success as the ability to have people read your stories, then I have succeeded. When I first started, that was all I really wanted. People to read my stuff. As writers we love what we do, driven by storytelling and not financial gain. Write to be read not to be sold. Be real, get the word out and readers will come.

 

 

 

Author Beware - Yeah, they tried to scam me

First, let me start by saying that I didn’t get scammed. They tried, but since this is one I haven’t heard of I thought I would share. Especially for authors out there that may not work in film as I do.  I did some research and found out this was happening more so two years ago, but now it’s back.

It started with an email.

An email came to the account I use for my amazon KDP, not my public email. It was from some director interested in talking to me about movie rights to one of my books. I looked up this director, Peter Andrews. The email looked legit, he had links to his IMDB, etc. So I replied, saying I was interested in what he had to tell me.

He replied the next day, which scammers are usually waiting for you to reach for the hook. He said it would be better to talk on the phone. We set up a call time and I gave him my work number.

I get a call, right on time from a man that identified himself as John Greene. He said hw was an acquisition agent with Amazon Prime. He was looking at my catalog and was interested in acquiring movie rights to My Dead World.

“Ok.” And that was what I said in a confused sort of way. “Ok.”

“Now Mr. Andrews is ready to pitch this to our team of investors next Thursday.”

“Ok.”

“Now are you familiar with how the process works, getting investors, pre production?” he asked.

“I’m a filmmaker.”

“Great! So I don’t have to explain all this to you. Now we’re prepared to offer you 400k for rights to the series.”

“Hmm.”

“What?” he asked.

“That seems a little high, ok, just go on.”

He did and asked if he could send me a test email. I told him yes and which email to send it. When asked if I received it, I said yes. This is what I got.

“What do you need from me?” I questioned.

“We need a treatment and a concept trailer, which is a high quality pitch to—”

“Yes,” I cut him off. “I know what it is. I see this company listed in the email. Creative Films.”

“Yes, they are willing and ready to do the trailer for you. That’s what they do.”

“How much?”

After going back and forth he told me, “Five grand.”

“John, why would I give Creative Films five grand for something I can do. I have access to the best equipment, filmmakers and editors in the country. I’ll do it. Send me the specs, I’ll handle it.”

Silence.

He gathered himself and chipper said, “I’ll talk to Mr. Andrews. I don’t see that as a problem and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”

He never did.

Apparently, I learned this is a way to take advantage of authors. Sort of like those publishers who charged ten grand to edit and do a cover for a book that sells ten copies, promising the moon.

I suspected it was a scam, but knew when he said the amount for film rights. How many others wouldn’t know and would be so excited for an opportunity. Shame on Creative Films for taking such a dubious approach. If a film producer is really interested in your work, I won’t dismiss that they won’t email you if you’re self published, but chances are, they aren’t going to pump sunshine with a high offer up your butt before asking for money from you.