Bam Bam and the Amazon Truck

 

Funny thing happened … and I’ll get to it in a minute.

Had a good day. Although last night I couldn’t sleep. I am pretty sure it was the steroids they pumped into me. But I was fine with it. It was actually nice not to be tired.

My son and Daughter in law covered for me at the church and VBS.

Special shout out to Margaret L for the wonderful gift box she sent me. It was amazing.

Okay onward., So, like my book, Heaven Shall Fall has been out for a while, and I included it in my recent compilation and forgot there was a note at the end saying that there was an original version that I completely changed, and if anyone wanted a copy reach out. No one ever has.

Not gonna lie, since I haven’t had any self published new releases money has been tight. Especially since my savings took a hit before I got that cool new medical coverage. I was never rich to begin with but this …eh, I’ll get through it. I have bigger things to worry about.

I want to rely on my gifts to make a living. I hope during this all I don’t become irrelevant and no one wants to read me anymore.

Trying to think of ways to utilize my backlog, asking God to show me a way. I get two, not one, two emails yesterday asking for the original version of Heaven Shall Fall.

I go into my archives of files pre 2003. And there it is.

Then it hit me. What if I put together a compilation of my pre 2000 works that I totally rewrote.

Just until this new release comes out next month. It may or may not work, but people may be interested.

While looking through those files, I found books I never published, and my very first manuscript written when I was 14. ‘They will Destroy Us.’ I had scanned it back in 2007. It’s horrendous, and typed up on different types of paper thrown in a notebook.

2007 was the scan date, heck that was before anyone on Kindle was even writing apocalypse fiction.

So I am gonna see what I can do. Just need to figure out if I put it on Amazon or another site for people to get. Maybe the older books will inspire people to look into my backlog. Or be curious and say, ‘Hey I liked this book, what was different?’

Um, swearing and sex in the older versions. Boy did I clean up.

I spent this afternoon starting it. And am resolved to finish my humorous autobiography about  what shaped my writing. I will not include the cancer in there. The book is already half finished. I always occasionally write a chapter. But I think I’ll finish it.

I will get back on track. Just life, you know, throws a curveball and you got to figure out how to hit it out of the park eventually.

Update on my head, I am still losing hair, I expect to be a shiny bald head here soon. I am thinking of going to get temporary tattoos, I’m thinking Bam Bam Bigalow style.

Anyhow last, the funny thing that happened today.

I went to get my daughter today for a coffee run and pick up the Walmart order. I always pull straight into her driveway, then back up, swinging to my left into the parking pad then turn to pull straight out.

It’s an everyday thing. Today different. She gets in. I reverse, BAM. Good thing I was driving slow.

I stopped on impact. I said out loud, “What did I hit?” Thinking my son in law left something in the driveway. I look in the mirror, all I see is blue.  it’s an amazon truck.

Apparently he stealthy pulled in the parking pad and I never saw him.

In my defense neither did my daughter.

The driver was in the doorway, thankfully I didn’t hit him. No damage to either vehicle.

I got out of the car and told him, “Sorry, Chemo brain.”

He laughed and said no worries I am not filing a report over this.

We all had a good laugh.

At Starbucks a UPS truck was behind me as I was backing up, I did not hit him.

Second Round - 6 more until Avengers

 

Short blog. Just wanted to update you.

Day one, infusion number two. It went smoother and I wasn’t there nearly as long. It went from 90 minutes for Enhertu to 30 minutes. I still had 30 minutes premeds and another 30 of another chemo therapy before Enhertu. I wasn’t as exhausting as the first time when I was there for 6 hours.

I feel good, not tired today. Although I did take a 90 minute nap.

For some reason I had this nervous excitement. It was so prevalent my oncologist even stated I wasn’t my normal calm self. I told her about it.

She told me from my notes and what I told her, that I am doing well.

Although both her and my physician assistant commented on how my ‘wound’ was looking so much better and the swelling under my arm (Lymph nodes) had reduced.

All encouraging.

Bring on the next hit, let’s take this baby down a few more notches.

My chemo nurse said I have a good head for the bald look and told me from what she has seen, this treatment of Chemo is different with hair loss. It’s like the shock of it causes the loss but it grows back fast. She told me not to be surprised.

I hope the diary I kept helps me get through this round easier, plus I have hydration scheduled for Friday.

According to my diary, today through Friday afternoon food tastes normal and nothing bothered me. I am planning accordingly for the rest of the week.

So we’ll see.

I did however finish (Thank goodness) Sweet Magnolias. Season four was torture, like paying a punishment I didn’t deserve. Season five was better. I still skipped over the mushy stuff.

For some reason it went into The Resident. Now that is a good show.

Off to write a little then relax.

Thanks for reading!

Pick my Look

 On the eve of my second infusion, I am nervous. I am hoping it goes well. In fact I am kind of hoping it goes better and I am stronger and ready for it. Last time I was already weakened from the CT scan with oral contrast that played havoc on my system.

This time my oldest son is taking me to Chemo, he’s a character, it should be interesting.

Can I just throw this out there?

I really appreciate you following this blog. I love reading the comments, they are so encouraging.

Yesterday was a strange day. Half my hair fell out before church and I made the conscious decision to remove the rest. I sported, even if it was only for several hours, the look I didn’t want to spot.

That ‘desperate trying to keep my hair as my scalp shows through’

This afternoon my halo wigs came. Fringe wiglets that you wear under hats or scarves.

So tonight, I played around with different looks.

I went to the store tonight with my ball cap wig (The one from earlier) it drove me nuts. It was itchy, heavy and hot. I whipped it off the second I got back in the car.

My oldest grandson said to me, “Nen, you need to just go with it. This is who you are now, just take off the wig and hat and just don’t worry.’

Man, I love that boy.

But I played around tonight. Thought I’d ask your opinion on which look I should rock when.

I have already decided that for work at the church, I’m just gonna rock the bald. I love my church family. No one there is gonna judge or stare.

When I go to doctors or chemo … bald look.

But what about functions?

When I am filming a short?

Lunch with friends.

Rock the bald or something else. Right now I don’t know what works for me. I know I am not fond of looking like the cancer patient with a scarf thing. But I thought I’d get your opinion.

My daughter tells me that whatever I choose I need to feel comfortable with it.

Ok, let’s face it I am not the most feminine person, so I did buy some lipstick.

Here are the looks.

What do you think?

If you were going out to hang out with me, which look would you feel suits me best. I know, I look old in these pics, ignore that. Weight loss is causing loose skin. Here they are.

 

Bald is beautiful

 

Baseball cap with halo bub

 

Scarf look

 

Cap with halo pixie wig

 

Wig

 

Bret Michaels Rock star look.

Down the Drain

As I have been saying for days, going … going …

So I really wanted to hold on to my hair for the memorial jam for Ron. I got up and sang (I’ll include the link at the bottom if you want to take a peak)

Every day I woke up a bit more of my scalp was shining through.

Hold on. Hold on. Just until Sunday. I really don’t know why it was important. I have been suffering social anxiety since my diagnosis. I did not have that today. It was more self consciousness about my appearance.

I was doing good and then I showered this morning before I went to work at the church. Washing my hair, my hands were covered with hair. When I got out of the shower, it was all over the tub.

It was a shock when I looked in the mirror and not really a good look. I added some gel but it wasn’t working. I became that look I didn’t want … a nuclear war survivor or someone from the cast of The Day After.

I messaged Michelle my hairdresser and told her it was time. It had to go.

My look at church didn’t matter much, but for the memorial jam it did. I grabbed a ball cap a friend sent that said, ‘Chemo Hair, I don’t care’ and went to the jam.

To my surprise Michelle showed up with Joe, I was happy to see them. And she brought clippers and a cape.

I took off my cap for the song, let the hairs fly, sang and after we shaved it off.

While some people wouldn’t call it my shining grandmother moment, I shaved it in front of 6 of my grandkids. I figured let them see it go instead of being shocked when they see it off.

This is a screen shot of my youngest while it was getting done!

So that is my update! Getting ready for round two.

If you want to see the shaved head video it’s on my FB page, and here’s where you can catch a glimpse of my singing Stevie Nicks with my sons and old bandmates. CLICK HERE

Visitors

 

A different type of post.

Non cancer.

Just a weird experience post.

First let me start by saying, like most people I respect all religions and those who follow them.

That being said, excuse me for being tickled pink when two young Mormon boys approached me this evening.

They were so adorable.

Both young and handsome, both wearing glasses, white button-down shirt, a tie, name tag and both had on a knitted vest in this weather.

I needed to run to the Dollar General real fast for dishwasher soap. As I came down the stairs from my apartment, small garbage bag in hand,  they smiled, I smiled and nodded, then they asked, “Do you know Earl (Not real name).”

“Young Earl or old Earl,” I asked.

“Old.”

“Oh, yeah, he moved about three weeks ago.”

“That makes sense,” Simon (Learned from the name tag) said. “He is from our church and we haven’t heard from him.”

I conveyed how nice it was that they checked up on him.

And then I stepped outside.

They followed me.

“Have you heard of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?”

“Who hasn’t?” I replied.

“That’s our church,” Simon said, then held up this black book. “Have you read The Book of Mormon.”

I told him I had, it was like twenty years ago when I was reading about all religions.

Then weirdly he said, “You were probably really cute back then.”

“I was hot,” I told them. “I’m a cute old lady now, but was hot back then.” I dumped my garbage.

“Would you ever consider stopping by our church?”

I looked at him and told him, “Honey, every Sunday I am busy. I work for a church.”

Then he was like, “So you go to church to make money.”

I looked at him seriously and told him. Money has nothing to do with it. It’s where I need to be, what I believe in and God and I are tight right now, working on something.

He nodded graciously and then asked, “Do you think we’d get in trouble if we hung around this complex, knocked on some doors.”

“No,” I told him.

“Do you know what building might be a good one to start at?”

Never one to exclude those I love, I thought about my Aunt Dot who lives in my complex and I told them about some sweet older lady who might be happy to talk to them. I sent them her way.

Although she may never make me homemade gnocchi again.

Diet and a Good Day

 

Today was a good day.

Other than randomly waking up at six in the morning to vomit. Not sure where that came from but I felt better after.

Actually I do know where it came from.

I meticulously have been keeping a diary of what I eat and if I have any aftereffects like nausea.

I couldn’t figure out why there are some days after lunch I feel full and horrible no matter how small of a meal it is, and some days I feel fine.

I had left over pasta for lunch, which had me feeling blah. Then a sloppy Joe for dinner.

Then there were days when food didn’t bother me at all. Like when I went to lunch with Terri.

What was the difference? I went into my food diary and looked at what I ate and how I felt and it looked like common denominator on making me feel bad seemed to be following meals with carbs/gluten. Bread, pasta. Although I did have fresh homemade pasta my aunt made, that didn’t make me sick.

Processed.

So today I had Thai soup (Tom Kha) no carbs and chicken lettuce wraps – no lettuce. (Too scared lol)

No problem, no sickening fullness.

I mean it could be where I am in the chemo cycle, then it may not. I am gonna try a few gluten free, lo carb days. Scratch that. I am still trying to figure it all out.

Anyhow I went to the doctor today. Wound care.

If many of you recall, I had that rash that turned into a wound and got worse. It’s been a struggle mentally and physically.

Watching it get worse. It went from tiny to big. I mean, it opened up so fast before treatment, before I saw a doctor, I don’t know why I expected it to stop getting worse because I went to a doctor.

Well, today the wound care doctor told me it is healing and on a great path. He pointed to the wound and said, “This is how you can tell Chemo is working. Keep up the good work.”

I felt so good. So hopeful.

I had to share the good news. Small step to victory.

I am embracing this day. It was a good one. Gave me pep in my step and not feeling sick was a gift. Yay. Hopefully I’ll stay this way until the next treatment.

going .... going ....

 

A funny thing happened on the way to Starbucks with my daughter … my hair fell out.

Okay, so it wasn’t that dramatic as if every hair on my hair dropped off. But it was jarring.

I was chatting to her about how my scalp has been itchy and my hair wasn’t normal. My friend Michelle was coming over after Starbucks to trim my pixie, and when I ran my fingers through my hair … poof. It was a like a freaking cloud of hair exploded from my head, got caught in the wind of the air conditioning and floated around like a cloud.

Thirty minutes beforehand I showered and washed my hair, I didn’t see any hair, but my daughter sheepishly told me, after a whoa,  ‘yeah, ma, it’s thinned out in the back.’

Michelle did a good job, but when she was leaving my house she told me to call her any time and she’ll be over with the clippers. She also did a really nice job shaping, thinning and trimming my hat wig.

My hair has thinned out even more tonight than it was this afternoon. I made sure I wore a hat while cooking.

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. My hair hasn’t been a part of what defines me in a long time. I knew this could happen, I am just shocked that it did. And admittedly a little sad.

Everyone in that support group said those who lost their hair did so the week before the next treatment. Yep. Right on schedule.

They said some low percentage loses their hair on this. What I think they left out was the remaining percentage loses volume and goes thin. Having to buzz cut.

So this time next week I’ll be rocking the Eleven from Stranger Things look.

The pic posted is of the cut Michelle gave me today.

I have lots of beautiful scarves and hats. Maybe with this insurance I’ll go get some new glasses

A huge part of me feels really bad for my family that they have to see me without hair. That I’ll look weak. It’s bad enough they know I have cancer, now they have to see the physical signs. I dread walking in the stores and people staring.

My daughter asked, “Do you stare at people that look like they have cancer.”

“No,” I told her. “But I stare at the people who stare at them.”

I made myself a painkiller this afternoon and vegged to a movie, ‘Cold Storage’ I highly recommend it.

Tonight I’ll write and focus on how I can do better with eating in the afternoon. I can’t eat a lot and when I try, I get stuffed and sick.

I feel like I am on Ozempic or whatever that thing is called.