I promised myself that I would keep this journal one 100%
honest. No downplaying or leaving anything out. Tell the truth and do what I do
best, make it entertaining.
If you read my work, follow me, then you know of everything
I write, I love Beginnings. I love it dearly.
Everyone always assumed I put myself and personality as
Ellen. The truth is, I am Joe.
Oddly enough, I gave Joe cancer in Book 15. It’s important to
note that I am on Book 35 and Joe is still alive. The big difference is Joe was
really originally filled with a lot of doom and gloom and this is my end
feeling.
I am not.
So backing up. I had this problem. It wasn’t like I was
living this ‘I feel healthy’ life, and go to the doctor and was godsmacked by
the diagnosis of cancer.
I was living the ‘I feel healthy’ life, but it wasn’t an
invisible thing. It literally was becoming more visible by the day. This rash
to sore started getting bad. I held off. My bad. Can’t change that now. But by
the time I had insurance and was able to start looking for help it was bad.
Other things started happening that confirmed what I knew.
The hardest part of this journey? Telling my kids. I not
only had to tell them I was hiding this medical condition but tell them I was
certain it was cancer. They just lost their dad. I felt selfish and guilty.
Each of them handled it in their own way and I have the greatest kids. That was
tough. Telling my closest friends and siblings was harder because I had to hear
the hurt in their voices. I told them after I got out of the hospital.
Insurance is funny, I just can’t go to a breast specialist I
had to go to a doctor. Unfortunately I didn’t have one and ended up with a newbie,
who literally was floored when I walked in her office and she looked at the
sore on my breast. It led me to believe it was horrendous. OMG the way she
reacted, like trying to hide fear while watching a movie on a plane. She sent
me immediately to the ER. It was bad but, as I was assured by the ER doc, not
like I played it out to be. Excuse me, I just had a doctor freak out. How was I
supposed to think.
I knew what it was. When they did scans and just before they
told me, I told them.
They loved my attitude and it was not a fake. I had lived
with the knowledge of what my body was telling me for months. So it wasn’t a
shock.
This is reality.
I got this.
I really do. And when people offer prayers. Heck yeah, I love
it because I believe in the power of prayer. I work for a church. I want the prayer
line to heaven to be o congested with requests for me that Jesus throws up his
hands and says, “Tell these people I’m on it. She works for a church, we already
have her in.”
I started my fight. Even before the Chemo. I envision mini
Negan’s in my blood, swinging his barbed wire bat and hitting the cancer cells.
Tomorrow the story of my hospital stay. I promise it won’t
be depressing. Oh my goodness, the woman in the room across the hall!
FEELING TODAY: Confident and Good
MUSIC: Living Hope by Phil Wickham
GOAL: Watch an episode of The Studio
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