Step by Step

After the first doctor and her lack of professional reaction, it was really awesome to see a PCP that was so chilled and laid back.

I needed that. I am now mentally preparing for what Tuesday at the oncologist will bring.

What a difference a week makes? Right?

I am questioning myself. Is what I portrayed as a wall of strength real or a front.

I’ll find out.

I am a woman of tremendous faith, I always have been and more so the last decade. I believe. I believe in a higher power, God or whatever name you give that power. I am inspired and moved when I watch the foundation of belief and see people so moved that I feel their faith.

Music videos showing this have given me strength.

A week has passed since I was told I have cancer.

A week of shock, never denial. Things are settling.

This is tough. I have successfully avoided googling things and honestly I don’t want to.

Today at the church staff meeting, the pastor prayed for me, she broke down and cried.

My God, the people that care about me.

I have yet to cry. I got a twinge of misty eyed at her prayer, and it took a lot not to cry, but I wanted her to see I was strong.

Because I am.

The prayer however moved me, it moved me because I felt the prayer. I can’t explain it.

When my grandmother was ill, she called me and said, “Jackie, I firmly believe you have a direct line to God and he hears your prayers. So pray for me.”

I carried that with me.

At this point in this juncture, my prayer line is sorted of muted. I feel it. It’s up to others to pray and I know they are. When you tell me you are praying, I am so grateful, I can’t express how grateful I am.

The power of prayer is phenomenal.

It’s what I got right now. It’s what I hold on to.

So I know this blog post is slightly a downer, it’s not because I have given up, it’s because I understand the reality now.

I also understand the reality of kindness.

Wow. How each act recently has moved me.

My brother and sister have made me meals for the next couple weeks. Pop in microwave and go. And they are awesome meals.

My sister and niece both in healthcare come to my home to check on me.

I received a box of items from a reader of my work that will help me as I journey forward.

My former pastor called me to have coffee. We met it was wonderful.

And my friend Michelle couldn’t bare me having a super cuts haircut and came over yesterday to make my short cut look awesome …. As short lived as it is.

I am doing everything one step at a time, One day at a time.

I keep telling myself I got this.

I do.

 

FEELING TODAY: Tough sort of.

MUSIC: Shout to the Lord

GOAL: Make pickles because I love them (Done)