Monday, August 8, 2011

A Ha! No wonder I got Divorced . . . 3 Times!

One of my daily routines is to read the news. Catch up on world events. So I log onto Yahoo! My news source of choice and as I am scanning the headline, debating on whether I should read about the budget or Kat Von D’s regrettable tattoo , I see it. An article that caught my attention.
The headline read, ‘8 THINGS  NOT TO DO WHEN YOU GET MARRIED’. The sub headline stated, ‘If you want your marriage to last, avoid these things’.
Admittedly I am the queen of marriage and well, of divorce. So I stared at this headline, my mouse arrow hovering . . . after all, I was curious and scared to read these eight things. What if I committed these marriage. Nah, I thought, no way, I was wonder wife. These eight things had to be common sense and no way did I break these rules.
Click. Here we go and my thoughts as I read them.
8.  Step from your mother’s apron.
Ok, well with EXH1 and EXH2 I called my mother every day and went to her house constantly. If that didn’t count as rule breaker, with EXH3 I moved up the street. Alright, one broke, still seven more . . .
7.   Don’t tell him he is just like his father.
I certainly wouldn’t tell EXH1 he was like his dad, his dad was freaking awesome. EXH3, I didn’t know his dad, but his mom told me once he was like him. EXH2 I said he had his father’s extensive bushy eyebrows and ear hair. Does that count?
6.  Don’t stay out all night with the girls.
With EXH1 and EXH2 that wasn’t an option, the kids were young. But with EXH3, Terri and I used to hit the casino till 5 in the morning.  But that didn’t count, they meant partying.
5.  Don’t  go to bed after your spouse.
Really? Seriously? How lame is that one. BROKE. EXH1 worked nightshift. And with EXH2 and 3, I wrote all night. Next . . .
4.  Don’t Tell him his pants are unflattering.
What woman, even married forever, hasn’t broke this rule?  EXH2 when we first met loved and proudly wore his tight, corduroy, aqua blue, short-shorts. I kid you not. I made sure they mysteriously disappeared. Five years later he said, “Do you remember those shorts? Wonder what happened to them.”
3.  Don’t dress like an easy pick up.
Ha! In was the 80’s with EXH1, spandex and Pat Benatar. 90’s with EXH2 I sported the ripped jeans. With EXH3, I just got fat and wore baggy clothes. So I 66%broke that one.
2.  Don’t fight with his mother.
Again, badly broken. EXH1’s mother beat me up with a purse one day. EXH2’s mother took a double dose of valium to get through the wedding ceremony. Was kind of funny how she kept slipping down in the pew. I have a video of that, I have to find it. EXH3’s mom was the greatest. I love her. Hmm, thinking about it, maybe fighting with mom in law is the secret to a long marriage. I had combined nearly 20 years with the first two exes. The third I got along great with his mom and there are bad TV shows that lasted longer than that marriage.
And finally
1.  Don’t mess with the Hair.
Really? That’s number 1? Thinking . . . EXH1 sported a mullet which he finally parted with in 2005. EXH3 was bald. But I broke that rule with EXH2 when me and my brother decided to give him a clipper hair cut and accidently zapped a bald spot in the back of his head. He heard it. “Bzzt.” “What was that?” he asked. “Uh, um. Nothing.”  It would have been fine, he wouldn’t have known, it was the back of the head. But then when my mom saw it, she busted us. “Oh my God, what did they do to the back of your hair.”
Shit. We ended up having to shave him nearly bald to make up for it.
Man, I sucked as a wife.
I wonder how many of these J-Lo broke?

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