It’s hard to explain but sometimes I can’t concentrate too
much for too long, I am constantly filled with thoughts and worries. You know
it’s bad when I don’t spend an hour a
day on food porn. Yeah, that’s a real thing. I love looking at food.
Perhaps now that this latest test is under the belt it will
relieve some pressure and stop the worrying.
What will the test show? What is next?
Am I strong. Yes, I am. I have a very matter of fact out
look on this whole thing.
This is what it is. This is what I need to do. I am not
scared, because I know I am stronger than this disease and so is my God.
Still there’s this new level of anxiety. Like, I was always
an extravert. Now I don’t really want to go around too many people.
Birthday parties and family events are hard, especially when
confronting people for the first time after diagnosis.
They are all kind and gentle, but they look at me with such
pity.
Don’t pity me. I’m not dying, I’m fighting, I’m living.
My fight has just begun. I know this. And all of you will go
on this fight with me. Watch me kick some ass. Be my cheerleaders.
I have four awesome kids who lost their dad and twelve
amazing grandkids, Tons of friends and my readers … oh my God, I can’t tell you
how much you inspire me. I’m not going
anywhere I have graduations to see, weddings to attend and books to write.
However, I can’t get over this social anxiety. This is new
to me. When I am home, I’m fine. One on one … good. But bring a ton of people,
I just want to run.
I feel like everyone is staring at me. And I haven’t even
started looking like the chemo girl.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) I am going to go to my son’s open Mic
show. See how I do in a sea of strangers. Who knows, I may even do a stand up
set. If I do, I’ll video it so you can see.
Oh, shoot I had my EKG and Echo today. I hardly slept and
was up at 6 am, four hours before the test.
I needed to pass this. I need to be strong enough for the
Enhertu. And I got the results.
Everything about my heart is normal.
Such great freaking news. I said to my son before the
results, ‘Every time I get a test or a scan, something bad pops up’
He said, “You need a W.”
A win.
Yay, the echo was a win.
Wednesday is staff at the church and my son’s show. Let’s
see how that goes.
Thursday is my port placement and you will see a video of
that. Not the placement but me going in. Unless they let me film, then in that
case I will.
Until next time …
"People " anxiety is a real thing. I use a little Xanax before certain situations.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the good test results. I know exactly how upsetting the look of pity can be. That is why I didn't share my cancer diagnosis with many people.
ReplyDeleteI cannot begin to tell you how much I prayed for that EKG to give us a win. About a week ago, I sat out back at work, smoking a cigarette. One of my longest tenured employees came out to find me, looking lost. I was. I was doing what I typically save for bed time, over-analyzing your entire situation. That every single appointment had been bad news. We NEED that echo to come back good. Anyways, my guy saw it in my eyes. Known him almost ten years. He was a kid when I hired him, now he has two himself. He’d never seen me show it, so to speak. So I just told him exactly what I was thinking and why. Asked him to pray for you, for us. We NEEDED THAT W. We got it. Now it’s time to stack them. So let’s do that, huh?
ReplyDeleteFor as long as I have known you Jackie, you have been a fighter. God knows his soldiers who have stayed faithful to him, and you are one of those.
ReplyDelete