Me, Shawn, and the County PD

 Let me start by saying that I rent a county house. Or rather a county park house. A home located smack dab in the middle of a public county park. I hate telling people I rent a county house because they think it’s subsidized housing or HUD. It’s not. It’s super hard to get a Park house with the county. They are basic homes, simple but expensive. You pay for the land. I basically live in the forest.

Anyhow, one of the perks of living in a county park house is it’s like living in the world’s smallest tourist town. Scores of people come through every day, strangers that litter, act like idiots, yet those of us that live in the ten houses know each other.

We are in a borough, but we aren’t part of that township. We are our own entity. Down to paying utilities to the park. We have our own police force. The  .. county police are our jurisdiction. You get to know them, they know you, they watch you and keep an eye out for your home. I love it.

I love the country police.

I can’t speak for anywhere else, but I can say our Allegheny County South Park police … rock. They are so patient, kind, and no matter what you ask them, they never make you feel like a bother. I bring them cookies. They’re laid back. And most are pretty hot.

They know me. They know I am a filmmaker and writer, that I’m always filming.

And recently I learned they realized how strange I was.

I stopped by the station to ask a question. Again, I wasn’t made to feel like a bother.

The officer said, “You live in the M house, right? You’re the filmmaker.”

“Yeah, that’s me,” I replied.

“We’ve been there a few times.”

“Hmm.”

Won’t get into that.

“You’re the house with the basement,” he said.

“Yes, I have a basement.”

“No … the basement.” Then this handsome, strapping young fellow said, “Did I ever tell you about the time I had to go into your house?”

I was baffled and asked what he meant.

And apparently so was the young trainee officer with him. He was curious as well.

The officer explained that about a year earlier, he was doing his patrol, rode by, saw no cars in the driveway and the front door wide open.

Stop.

I learned that they ride by the house a lot, watch it, make sure all is fine. I think that’s cool. Then again, my house is the only house in that area and about a quarter mile from the station.

He continued, “Yeah, the door was open. I was worried someone had broken in. I went inside. It was clear, but then I went into the basement. It nearly killed me.”

Wait. What? Now, it’s a basement. It’s not dark. It’s well lit, and while my son treats the one corner like his own private storage unit, the rest is pretty clean. Did he go into the secret room (Yes, I have one) and discover my bar?

“Go on,” I said, apprehensively. Waiting for him to say I lived haphazardly. I didn’t expect what I heard.

“I go down the stairs, right?” he said. “Turn the corner, step down and … my heart sunk. I thought, oh my god, this is it. I immediately thought I would never see my kids again.”

“What?” I asked.

“Yeah, because as soon as I stepped into the basement, all I saw was this big guy with long hair, looking like he had a gun. I thought, I’m dead. I don’t even have my weapon pulled. This guy is gonna shoot me.”

At that second I squealed and stifled my laugh. “Oh my God.”

“Dude,’ the young trainee said. “Who was it? What happened?”

The officer replied, “I realized after I freaked out for a second, it was a life size cardboard cut out. She had cardboard cut outs in her basement.”

“Yeah, that was Shawn Michaels the wrestler,” I explained in a rambling manner. “In his hot days. Not that he’s not hot now, but then wow. I love him. He’s my Hal Slagel.”

“Who?” the officer asked.

“Never mind.”

The picture with his post is of the cardboard cut out he saw.

I got a good chuckle out of it, and so did he. He said he never told that story to anyone else but said I was welcome to share it. I’m glad he did and glad he didn’t shoot my life size Shawn Michael’s cardboard cut out.

It was also a good thing it wasn’t a couple years back when I not only had Shawn, but Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Will Smith and Will Farrell’s Alf all down there. Poor officer would have thought he was gonna get ambushed by a weird basement party.

It was fun story. I appreciate the officers in our park. They’re the best.